Groupies

I cannot do group texting. The maximum amount of people in a group text that I can handle is two. I will expand that to three in emergency situations – otherwise, I can’t. I am fine with a group message on Facebook (this is probably because I don’t have notifications turned on) but the texts arrive to me with an urgent chirp or ping or buzz and each time I hear it I am somewhat jolted from whatever I was just doing.

Every once in a while someone who doesn’t know me very well will try to renegotiate these terms – usually thinking that a group text will somehow “make it easier” to communicate. My question is this – FOR WHO?!? Certainly not for me, as my blood pressure isn’t made for the following declarations:

PERSON ONE: “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know (something not very important). Any questions, reply back here! Have a great week!” (This alone has me nervous and jerky. When I look at the top of this alleged conversation and see something along the lines of “Sent to you + 9 others” my face flushes instantly).

PERSON TWO: “Who is this”?

PERSON THREE: “Umm, who is this”?

PERSON FOUR: “Hey, yes, I have some questions, should I call you”?

PERSON ONE: “This is (text message civility offender), from (some random place you work out/parked once/added your contact info on a sheet next to), I thought this would be the best way to keep everyone in the loop about (the stuffed panda alliance/ Nutrigrain bar wrapper savers / world’s largest wad of already chewed gum)”. This person will usually have the audacity to send an additional text message of a smiling emoji.

PERSON FIVE: “who is this”?

PERSON ONE: “Yes, (person four), you can call me”.

PERSON ONE: “Or, just text me here! LOL!”

PERSON SIX: “who dis”

PERSON ONE: “This is (name), from (place), I wanted to give us all a chance to talk here about (blank)”.

PERSON THREE: “OH! Okay, Cause I was like, I don’t even know this number. LOL. And I was seriously LOL’ing because hey, how did you get this number, right?! But now I know it’s you, so I get it!!”

PERSON SEVEN: “I have a question. (Enter some random thing that you all do not have in common, bonus points if it’s a divisive issue).”

PERSON THREE: “I disagree”.

PERSON EIGHT: “WHO SAID THAT? WHO WAS THAT?!”

At this point, it is usually down to me and the other anti-group text messangerer (on purpose! I know it’s not a word!) and we remain radio silence, blessedly, until the messages start again, usually because someone has the audacity to write…

PERSON TWO: “Okay, great thanks! Have a great day, guys!” which just reignites the whole conversation…

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4 thoughts on “Groupies

  1. Hahahaha! Always. Fun. My Favorite group message… I had the audacity to turn my phone off for a couple of hours and it COMPLETELY (and annoyingly) blew up when I turned it back on. Why? A good friend, we’ll call them jerk-face, decided to group message, “We’re pregnant!” to their ENTIRE contact list.

    Liked by 1 person

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