I had cleaned the kitchen; I was ready to take out the trash and figured I had maybe ten more minutes left in the nighttime routine when I saw the state of the kids’ rooms. Beds on the floor, dress up clothes discarded, books, toys, water bottles half full and laundry baskets overflowing with towels. Ugh.
What I should have done then was paused and taken a few deep breaths, marveling at the fact that the kids are still little, played creatively all weekend and spent the two days they had off together. What I did was dive deep into sorting, doling out assignments, vacuuming, organizing and assisting with reading words, finding that other shoe and disposing of cheese stick wrappers.
I had already declared that I had a handle on things inside so when my husband peeked his head in to give out goodnight kisses, he has slightly alarmed at my near total tantrum. He urged me to take a minute and walk outside, sitting in the breeze as the sun set and gathering my wits. I declined. He tried once more and I stomped outside, sullen and angry at what I felt was him judging me (that I couldn’t keep it together while wingding things down inside), declaring as I walked that I was basically being told what to do. (For the record, this is me on my worst day – I would like to think I am not routinely this dramatic).
What I couldn’t see then, (until I took a minute to, ahem, sit in the breeze as the sun set and gather my wits) was that it wasn’t judgement; it was love. It seems crazy to mistake the two, but I am guilty of doing it, because I want to be all the things. I know that I can’t really do it all, but that remains my goal somehow… Tonight was a wakeup call because the truth clashed so hard with my narrative that I had to actually rewrite the narrative (rats!).
But re-write it I shall. Help, when offered, is a gift that is given in love. Despite all my flaws and shortcomings, my guy still loves me and thinks I am pretty great, because he spends his time loving me and not judging me. I think I should take the same approach to myself