Don’t park next to my Mom (or drive near her either)

I am a bit of a wimpy driver. I don’t honk (unless I think it will truly be helpful), I don’t really speed (though you could argue that Saturn Ions are built for speed)and I would rather walk on my lips than try to steal a parking spot from you. So maybe I am sensitive. But I routinely consider the fact that other drivers may don’t have the same sweet driver disposition as I have (and this has been proved over and over again, like the time I nearly drifted into a side lane once while peering in my rearview mirror and the car beside me blew on their horn for no joke a full minute while the passenger who was easily quadruple my age angrily shook her fist at me while screaming – for the record I didn’t actually drift into their lane, just approached it…). My own first born child has a crusading sense of automotive justice and routinely urges me to LAYONYOURHORN through gritted teeth. But there is someone who trumps both the fist shaking lady and my child: my mom.

A recent conversation with her went something like this:

Me: “Blah, blah, blah, school field trip to a farm with kindergarteners.”

Mom: ”Yeah, you. Yeah, you, MISTER”. (Taps on horn) “Nice. Oh well that is just fine. You. OH my god. SO you’re just going to do that then, huh? Oh, you are. YOU ARE. Well that’s just great. YES. YOU. I SEE YOU. Yes, I am pointing at you. There. YOU.”

Me: “Mom, please don’t.”

Mom: “You don’t even know what is happen…”

Me: “Mom, he could be a crazy person. Don’t engage him.”

Mom: “I couldn’t get out of my car. He was that close to my car. He can’t park like that. It’s not okay. His truck is like some sort of MONSTER TRUCK. It is three times the size of my car. The girl next to him is stuck now. I had to drive away and park somewhere else. He needs to know what he did.”

Me: “Mom. He probably doesn’t care. Let him be please.”

Mom: “Okay, fine.”

Me: “Thanks, Mom, I just want you to be safe, you know…”

Mom: “Hey!” (horn beep) “You. Would. Not. Believe. This. OTHER. Guy.”

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