Scaling back

Yesterday I wrote about how I couldn’t even write out the math(ish) issue that arose. What started as a simple idea of a way I could help out on a project turned into my full blown meltdown about how I have always been bad at math, how much more advanced my husband is when it comes to acquiring and improving life skills and ultimately feelings of worthlessness (and yes, this may be a teensy bit of my hormonal doomsday talking here). I don’t know exactly how it spun so out of control, but it did and then there I was in the middle of the self-inflicted wreckage wondering what exactly my purpose was in life. Why didn’t I know how to draw a layout of the backyard? How could I be 32 and not know how to change a tire (or let’s be honest, my oil?)? What the hell was wrong with me?!

Though I have gotten better with time (and frequent tutorials) I severely lag behind my husband in most major skillsets. And yet I stay in the running…despite all evidence to me not surpassing him (or catching up) I still want to be in contention. This is because he raises the field by just being in it (and I get to write this here because it’s my blog and he would never tell you these things about himself). He will patiently explain things to me without frustration just because I want to know more about them (even if it is highly unlikely that I will ever use that information).

When he called me yesterday to check in, he was just short of astonished that I was so upset and assured me through my near sobs that as we worked on this project I would just pick up more and more knowledge. I had walked out of the kitchen where the kids were doing homework to take his call (I could feel the tears as soon as I saw his name light up on the phone) and I caught sight of myself in the mirror just before we hung up. My eyes were watery and puffy, my face was red and splotchy but none of that mattered. I was a total mess and it didn’t deter him – I could be loved exactly where I was – unsure and disappointed – because that is where he meets me; exactly where I am. I let that sink in for a minute.

This is our story. And it’s getting written when it’s easy and when it’s hard and all those indescribable moments in between bookends like that. I hope that everyone finds this kind of love.


4 thoughts on “Scaling back

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