If you are a mama having a meltdown

If you are a mama having a meltdown, you might walk outside for a breath of fresh air, when you go outside, you will see the dog pacing in front of the grill. Your husband will mention that he’s been doing that for several minutes, so you will investigate.

You will open the grill and notice that because you exclusively use a wood fire/ coal grill, mice have moved into the propane grill. You will calmly and resolutely remove all grates and dismantle the mice nest? Cave? Den? Whatever. You are cleaning it now.

Your husband will mention that if he was doing it, it would probably go smoother using a shop vac and vacuuming it out (please note that in this story your husband has one arm in a sling – ). He will also suggest lining the shop vac with a garbage bag so you won’t have to clean out the shop vac too.

A small child will appear to attempt to proclaim their innocence with regard to the situation you tried to escape from (see: getting a breath of fresh air, above). Slightly greasy, and possibly deranged, you will state that you need a calm down time and will be setting a timer for fifteen minutes to resume the conversation.

You will go into the kitchen to set the old standby – the timer on the microwave. Standing in the kitchen you will wonder what else you needed. Faintly remembering something about garbage bags, you will remember that tomorrow is garbage day.

You will take all the trash out of the house, emptying near empty cans, and hauling the large cans to the street. You will then apply garbage bags to the interior garbage cans.

Upon reentry into the home, a larger child will point to her backpack in tears at the massive blue puddle pooling all over the canvas – from what she claims is an unknown source. You will recall a conversation where you urged her not to bring markers to school “in case one of the tops came loose and the marker bled all over her backpack”.

You will grab the backpack and start the washing machine. In the garage you will see the shop vac, which will remind you that you have a grill to clean, post- rodent eviction. So you will take the shop vac through the house and onto the back porch where you will clean the grill.

After cleaning it, the filter will be excessively dirty and you will wonder aloud if you should hose it off. Upon hearing this hypothetical, your husband will gently mention that it is not a wet/dry filter and that the air compressor works best to clear the filter.

You will go into the garage just as the timer goes off alerting both children to their freedom, where they will proclaim that in those fifteen minutes they nearly died of thirst and starvation. So you will fix them a quick snack.

You will head to the garage again to fire up the compressor and you will notice the air hose line has a leak near the connection. Fearing that it couldn’t possibly be as easy as sliding it into place you will ask your husband how to do it, which results in the repair of the hose and much more pressure to blast all of the filth off the filter and into your thrilled face (because you were gleefully leaning into it full of pride for getting so much accomplished in one morning).

You will put the shop vac away and close the grill lid, confident in your ability and resourcefulness. Looking at the clean grill will remind everyone that it is almost lunch time, which may cause an argument over what should be made for lunch.

The argument will cause you to want to step inside for some fresh air this time. And when you step inside you will encounter the dag snoozing in the sunlight…or so I have heard.

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