I think I have gotten it really twisted. Because for almost my entire life I thought that what I was after was that last twenty five percent. You know how things start to fall into place and you can see that almost everything (say about, well, seventy-five percent of things) is running smoothly and going according to plan? And then you think to yourself geez, if only I could have that last piece fall into place? That last little twenty-five percent of things could go right and then wham! I would be totally happy, right? (Are you with me here, or am I the only one who does this? No? You do too?! Thanks for making me feel less alone there, pal.)
What I have gathered from exhaustive research (my 32 years, 2 months and 16 days spent living, to be exact)is that it was never really about the twenty-five percent, it was setting the aim at 100 percent in the first place. I remember when I first really thought about it when someone told me “Everything’s going to be okay” and my immediate response was “But, when”? I have always put the pot of gold at the end of that rainbow – I would be able to cash out when e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g was okay. Which is precisely why I have yet to cash out, because that is simply too tall of an order to fill. It was so clear to me when I finally accepted that recently (as in about 15 minutes ago). It wasn’t the last little piece that had eluded me – it was the finished 10,000 piece puzzle that I wanted.
The response to the offered assurance that “everything’s going to be okay” shouldn’t be “but, when” and I guess that in a perfect world when answered by a much more present person it would be “it already is” but I am going to curl up with the yoga pants equivalent of saying, “thanks for that”, because not only is it accommodating, it’s pretty versatile too.
I know that when faced with tragedy and loss it’s hard to believe anything will ever be okay again (and I need to point out this is not aimed at the latest character to be killed off “The Walking Dead” nor is it about the Presidential Election). When you are struggling with feelings of despair, maybe then is a good time to zoom out, far away from that missing little bit to see what big things are going right. I know I am going to try to put that into practice…maybe seventy five percent of the time.