I am fat once again. I know that I am not supposed to use the word fat or I’m supposed to “take it back and own it” and flaunt it and sashay somewhere with my hips bouncing and jiggling side to side in full embodiment and pride. But that’s not how I feel at all.
I feel like the person that has committed to weight loss for a short amount of time (yes, it has been three years, but in the grand scheme of life, not so very long…) and then fell off the wagon. Over and over and over and over and over again (I know that is a terrible sentence but I am leaving it in for Dramatic value). Because I have gained weight for the 9 millionth time everything else that is happening seems that much worse. Things that probably wouldn’t have bothered me are driving me crazy and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I realize that the solution to this problem is very very simple: eating right, exercising, drinking water and taking care of myself. It is odd that although I know the solution to my problem I am struggling with putting it into action.
But wait! You’ve been walking for miles every morning! Yes I have been but I haven’t been running and I haven’t been lifting and I haven’t been watching what I’ve been eating. The walks in the morning have done wonders for me mentally but they are not translating necessarily to my body and how I feel about it. I know this can be viewed as a much larger issue about emotional connectedness, about womanhood and the sisterhood of loving your body. I just so happen to love mine a little better when it’s working a little healthier.
Last night, on my Thanksgiving-ish evening I enjoyed ribs and all sorts of good southern cooked foods (including collard greens if you must know) along with a few beers. As I write that I think that it makes me sound like a good time gal except this morning I totally wasn’t. I woke up feeling sluggish and heavy and puffy and slow and although the salt and good things I ate contributed somewhat I’m almost positive the alcohol was the downfall. Usually it takes some sort of extreme situation or mouthing off or embarrassing yourself and one way or another to say this isn’t working, but for me it was simply waking up this morning and saying I don’t feel good and I don’t want to continue not to feel good.
I did what I am want to do when I’m looking for a small miracle or large motivator – I asked for a sign a sign. A sign of good things; a sign of hope that I was not only getting on the right track but I could in fact commit to losing the almost 10 pounds I regained and going after my goals of being where I wanted to be by next year.
I can attribute the fact that I haven’t been drinking as much water or making my kale smoothies in the morning because our icemaker hasn’t been working. I know that’s a totally lame excuse but it’s easier to do when I have ice. So I’ve been buying bags of ice because I haven’t got around to scheduling further investigation of my icemaker problem with the good folks at the refrigerator company. They are going named because I generally like the brand but our rather expensive French door super fancy refrigerator stopped making ice a mere two years after we bought it. This is, ironically of course, a year after its warranty expired. It’s been on my list but I haven’t addressed it yet and as I sat in the kitchen this morning I heard the most beautiful sound imaginable, I heard ice cubes falling into the bucket. Then I heard the second most beautiful sound imaginable, I heard water filling the ice tray to replenish the ice cubes that had just fallen into the bucket. I shrieked out in delight and ran as if it was Christmas morning and my red Ryder BB gun was underneath the Christmas tree. Lo and behold the Iceman cometh.
This one small miracle/huge motivator got me in the right frame of mind – showing me that things can turn around in an instant and nothing is ever as bad as it seems when you’re in a bad mood. I drove to the grocery store later and stopped when I got to the kale, smiling as I purchased a large bag. There will be green smoothies in my very near future and I know that drinking them in the morning leads to good choices in the afternoon and sound eating decisions for two thirds of the day results in a healthy dinner. Good eating throughout the day inspires training at night or in the morning or sometimes both.
My goal is not the same this time, I thought it was but it’s changed. I don’t just want to be 15 pounds lighter or a size blank. I want to continually operate at a good level for me. I want to be strong and feel good and not have mornings like this morning where I wake up disappointed and heavy from the decisions I made the night before. I could say that I don’t know why this cycle repeats itself but that’s not true. It keeps showing up because I haven’t learned the lesson and even though I can say it out loud it hasn’t really sunk into my brain for some reason. That should be enough to derail me. However I am an eternal optimist and I don’t care how many times I fall off or down or over I get back on or up or in. Today is no different.
In the end I am grateful that I over ate and drank last night and that I felt that bad this morning which sounds awkward but it’s true. I think without having gone through that today I wouldn’t have had the push to face the reality that I am slipping away from my goals. By turning the other cheek and pretending that good enough is good enough I have allowed the denial of what’s really happening to thrive. But the scale doesn’t lie. Of course it can’t tell you everything – it can’t measure muscle gain or how happy you are or what kind of a person you are but it does give an accurate portrayal of how much you weigh. And mine is pretty much saying …oh honey.
I can choose to put on a big comfy sweater and stretchy pants which I know exactly how to do. I can pretend that getting 10,000 steps a day is going to magically get me back to where I need to be or that a small side salad will do the work for me. But I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m going to show up and tackle this head on even though it’s not the only thing going on in my life right now. Many times it’s advised not to take on too many challenges at once; for fear that you will fail in at least one if not all of them. I disagree. I think that I do well when I’ve already got a lot going on, when I have a lot of my plate I’ve become very adept at scheduling it so that everything gets addressed. I don’t know what that says about me or my personality or any of those bigger questions but I know what works and what doesn’t. Feeling bad about me doesn’t work. It leads to poor choices and a miserable disposition.
I know that I am not the only person that struggles with her weight – that has gained and lost the same X amount of pounds multiple times. I haven’t quit yet and that’s saying something. I hope that whatever you’re facing no matter how hard it is or even how easy, that you can find a way to struggle through it and fix the problem. If you have any suggestions for me I would love to hear them and please know that I am rooting for you.