Pandora’s (glove) box

I love the bits in magazines where celebrities “expose” what is in their handbag at the moment. With mock horror they “let” us common folk in on the “atrocities” they cart around. I have never seen anything less than pristine cosmetics, a few tins of Altoids, maybe a Voss water and a few Hershey kisses thrown in for good measure. You never see rumpled Starbucks napkins, a melted lipstick, four pennies and the 800 number for a bee removal company scrawled on the back of a granola bar wrapper like normal people carry. As bad as my handbag is, I found out today that my glove box is far worse… here’s an unedited peek of it. Hang on, that is a total lie. I covered my name and policy numbers and address. But other than that – it’s unedited.

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Just the usual glove box items…

 

Six years’ worth of Florida vehicle registrations and six years of Florida automobile insurance identification cards. You might take a wild guess about how long I have had this car. In the event that I am pulled over and asked for my license, registration and insurance I can helpfully produce not only my current policies but proof that I have always had registration and insurance.

16 prayer cards to various saints in addition to the Apostle’s Creed, a list of the 10 Commandments, the Lord’s Prayer and the seven deadly sins. If you have a Catholic mother you have at least this much available to you at all times. “What, no rosary”, you might ask? No, that is carried in my purse so that I can have it always on my person.

A copy of one of big sister’s report cards and a “pewter” colored Martha Stewart craft marker. I am sure the marker would come in handy if I ever find myself in a sudden death crafting challenge where I was given only a black piece of construction paper. As far as the report card? Daddy signed this letting her know how proud we are of her. She said she would keep it forever. She also said that we never tell her we are proud of her. Lies and I have the proof.

Overly large hair ties that will never work in my hair. They are probably dry rotted from being in my car for too long too. Upon closer inspection they also sort of resemble Nuva-rings which I hope doesn’t fall into the “oversharing” category of blogging… I really ought to throw them out.

Survival supplies: a lighter, faux Swiss Army knife, paper clip, razor blade, pencil, mini-mag lite flashlight and a para cord bracelet. The lighter has been retrieved at several off site birthday parties just before cake time. I originally stocked it in the event that I am somehow stranded in my car far from civilization and need to live off the land. I don’t have the endurance to rub sticks together until my hands bleed. The Swiss Shmarmy knife falls into the same category and the rest of it works because my husband can McGuyver just about anything. I have no doubt that he could build a life boat if needed with just those items.

Words of wisdom: In addition to all of the prayer cards, I like my aphorisms such as the “be like a proton and stay positive” which I have in the form of a bookmark as well as fortune cookie wisdom such as the one pictured, “You will be lucky in love. Or not so lucky. I really don’t know”.

An etched source of identification –Underneath the pencil is a golden name tag that I might have technically stolen from work – yikes! I should look into that. Stealing is definitely covered in my copy of the Ten Commandments…

The top right business card is also from my good old days at the front desk. Before Uber came along and people could tap their location into a phone so that the nearest Ford Fusion could come and take them around town, we used to call limousine services. There were town cars and luxury SUV’s in the fleet too, but I liked seeing the limos pull up the most (see my interest in being “fancy” in posts such as Dry Shampoo”). This particular company was hands down the best, with ten minutes notice on the busiest days of the year – he would send the exact car requested.

The fake diamond necklace that was likely left in the car by the kids along with the other dress up jewelry. I would like to think that if anyone was delusional enough to try to carjack me I could pull this out and pretend like it was on my neck. I would throw it out of the window as far away from me as possible, flooring it (in my car that means going zero to fifteen mph in about 60 seconds flat) while exclaiming “Take my jewels, just don’t hurt meeeeeee” like I imagine a character from “Chinatown” might.

The circular orange thing is called a Compact Disc, or CD which predates all of the Apple technology of today. This one is a Halloween compilation which I could pretend I just put in for the upcoming holiday. But it’s kept in the car year round, because you can’t be in a terrible mood while listening to “The Monster Mash” unless, you have no soul.

Back before he was a presidential candidate, Donald Trump had a particular catch phrase which I am pretty sure is trademarked. You will find a phonetically executed version of it in my car. I made the mistake of saying my kids were my tiny bosses at one point and big sister asked if that meant they could fire me. I responded by saying they could but only in the manner of Mr. Trump. Bad decision. But when I try to dance or make a corny joke she still tries to fire me and once went to far as to make me this card. I think the smiley face softens the blow considerably.

Of all the things that I would miss if my car was stolen (not likely) the American Sign Language card would hit me the hardest. On one of the first dates we ever went on, we were waiting outside for a table and a man walked by selling these cards to raise money for the deaf. In one of the thousands of quiet acts of generosity I have seen from him, my husband bought one and gave it to me. It felt like fate when I saw that it said the words “I love you” on it. I swore that I would keep it forever and he laughed and said he hoped so because it set him back an entire dollar. I have kept that card for sixteen years and in three cars.

 

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