A disturbing search history

I am pretty well aware of my own neurotic tendencies. Yet every once in a while I get a sobering reminder of exactly what kind of crazy I am dealing with. For some people, dependent on their vices, it might show up in the form of an uncomfortable amount of bottles and cans in the old recycle bin. Or maybe it’s the six red bull cans that get cleaned out of the car after a week of commuting. For me, it’s all about the google search history.

Before you start to worry that I am about to reveal some salacious proclivity for anything upsetting, let me assure it you it’s not even what I am searching that is worrisome. It’s how my brain works that makes me laugh. Please see exhibit A: tonight’s search history…

Started from the bottom…oy.


Clearly, as dinner approached I wanted to try something other than CHICKEN BREASTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. I had thoughts of pan seared fish in a buttered caper sauce, or maybe a lemon butter sauce or maybe I would just eat butter. (I am not above it in case you wondered).

Then of course I remembered that eating a lot of sodium doesn’t work for me and I don’t like the way I feel after I eat too much of it. I routinely turn to my guru, Google, to help me find something tailored to my needs. Only, the thing about the interweb is this; it feeds my occasional bouts of crazy. What started as a normal curiosity for a low sodium recipe turned into a near obsession with a 400 calorie coffee (ish? I mean, is it even really a coffee at that point? Or is it dessert?).

In the end, I made the low sodium dinner and a cup of tea after the kids went to bed. There was sadly no butter in either of those things. Still, I am coming into other fabulous side effects of not doing what I want to do the second the impulse to do it hits. Since I haven’t given in to a three o’clock cup of coffee, I am unusually tired in the evening time. Like, right around bedtime, I feel like I could, I don’t know, fall right asleep. That is not even the crazy part. Because I am not overeating fatty, salty foods (I am not knocking them, I love salty, fatty foods in a way that makes me want to sing “I will always love you” – Whitney Houston style to them) I am not uncomfortable all night long, restless and unable to sleep. Because I am sleeping at night I don’t wake up desperately needing coffee (how’s THAT for full circle?!).

There comes a point of clarity in adulating (like, oh, maybe after you get your first gray hair)Homie don’t gray that way where you have to quit doing things that make you feel like garbage simply because you get to thinking that maybe life is too short to spend any of it feeling that way. You quit smoking, or going to bed with makeup on, or lathering yourself in baby oil and frying in the sun because even though it was easy to do the moment you had the urge to do it, you think a few more steps ahead. Maybe it’s just looking ahead to the next morning but sometimes that is all it takes. And if you find yourself needing to eliminate a vice or strengthen your resolve, I have the perfect omniscient non-judgmental source to consult with you. Just be sure to clear your history after you use the search bar to walk you through your thoughts.


6 thoughts on “A disturbing search history

  1. I enjoyed this so much. I’m so curious about my search history now. Good wisdom in here. Sometimes I tell myself…just do the next right thing…similar concept. Even if I only do one “right” thing a day, I feel pretty good that I did. It’s the little things. They eventually add up. I’m hoping anyway.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sigh. Today is a new day. Maybe it’s the day I will do what I should for my self. In the meantime, I love the, “can you die by not eating salt” search. I’m thinking that was 1.5 weeks in?

    Liked by 1 person

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