Today is my 31st blog post, which means that I have done about 30 more than I thought I might. Even though I publicly announced I was going to commit to blogging every day for one year, inwardly I thought I would take it day by day and see what happened. That is a polite way of saying that I never thought I would follow through – though I desperately wanted to be able to look back, a year later and be infinitely proud of sticking to my goal. That used to be my story, I would really want to do something, I would talk about it, I would start it and think about how amazing I would feel once I achieved it and then something would happen and I would make allowances for straying from it. I got really good at that story, until one day it felt like it wasn’t mine anymore. So here I am, with a ton of stuff to do, phone calls to make, a movie that is starting without me and chores I have abandoned to come back out and write.
Commitment is a lot of things but it isn’t necessarily easy. It’s also rarely if ever executed singlehandedly. There is more to it than just me carving out the time to come out and hack it on the computer for an hour. It’s my husband saying go do it – take your time, make it count, I will be here for you when you are finished. It’s you, making the time to read this. It’s taking a lot of detours and seeing them as they are – deterrents, then acknowledging I want something better and doing everything I can to work to ensure my actions are aligned with my goals.
This pursuit has paralleled my lifetime battle with my weight. My weight. I have always taken sole ownership for the state of my body, of what it looks like and is capable of. It’s almost funny to think of how when you are overweight you are seen as uncaring about your image. I felt responsible for every pound and constantly aware of how much space I took up wherever I found myself to be. I have cared very deeply.
On one of the first of my adult forays into better health, I invested in an inexpensive elliptical – which above all was a terrible idea. There is little elegance to be found in the stride of the most expensive elliptical – I can assure you the lurch-lumbering movements of my alleged glides were far worse. But there I was, wheeling the elliptical in from the garage, a workout in itself, in to the living room, so that I could park myself in front of the tv and directly under the fan for some combination MTV / air conditioning. (This was pre-Jersey Shore days so they played actual music videos on this channel at the time). Water bottle securely fastened to the cup holder, I would lunge forward with a rough metal on metal cacophony accompanying me as I bopped completely out of tune with J.Lo’s “Get Right”. Working up a sweat and Danskin bike shorts chafing my thighs, I would lean into Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, and a few commercials breaks later I was done. It wasn’t pretty, and months later I broke that bad boy but I was committed. I was out there getting it done and it laid a foundation that I still draw from when I have strayed from regular exercise.
That’s what I am doing here, I am in it to win it, and I am putting in the work even if it sets a few things off balance for me, because there is a lesson in that as well. I have been so afraid of what happens when things go off course, what that says about me because I can’t always keep all the plates spinning in the air. But it happens if I fear it or I accept it. I am going to look stupid sometimes and I am learning that vulnerability is actually my super power. When you are keeping your mind open to all the possibilities (not just attempting to figure out the worst case scenario or the best possible outcome) life keeps happening. Things go fantastically, or they go routinely, except of course, when they fall apart entirely. I am committed to this idea though, because I am not the only one who is having this epiphany. Yet, I can be one of the ones who will be writing it down as it unfolds.