Blogging seems pretty selfish in theory – I just have so much to say (about myself) and so much on my mind (about my life) and tons to work out (to improve myself and my life). I should be sick of me and my thoughts. But the funny thing is; as I peel back the layers and stretch it all out I am more confused than ever. Who am I, really? This seems very Derek Zoolander of me.
It has aggravated me every time someone has asked me what I plan to do with myself when the kids are in school. But through writing about it I discovered the meanest, most judgmental one asking that question all this time was me. I have been focused on getting to a certain number on a scale so I could see it there – but what I actually want is my body to operate at a consistent, high functioning level. I thought that having broad strokes of what I hoped to achieve and then examining them in great detail would somehow make all the changes I needed for me. What it did though was allow me to question my motives.
Take living on the beach for example; I have always wanted to live right on the beach. It sounds amazing to think of going for a daily swim, watching the sunrise or a seeing a storm roll in. It is easy to say that I can’t live on the beach because I don’t have a million dollars or so to do that. To turn that into a state of being angry or anxious or unsatisfied is so common for me that it didn’t occur to me that there was another way of establishing a solution. If what I really want is to swim in the ocean every day, I actually could. Yes, something (or maybe things) would have to shift but if I wanted to, I could make that happen.
I want to be surrounded by coconut palms. Because mature, fruiting plants are expensive, it wouldn’t make sense to skip a mortgage payment to fulfill this dream. We bought small plants years ago but the dog ripped them to shreds each time, much to my husband’s dismay. Then we attempted to sprout them from coconuts, but I grew impatient. I didn’t complete my research on the best method to grow them and they rotted under my alleged care. Today I was given wheelbarrows full of coconuts from a generous neighbor who took the time to explain how he grew them. I listened to him as he spoke and realized that if I wanted to be growing these guys I would need to change. I would need to set aside my fear of it not working out and me not measuring up and commit myself to more than just the idea, I’d have to make a commitment to the process.
It has taken me a long time to be aware enough to look at whatever situation is present and fully show up to it. Only recently have I learned to stop myself from trying to track where I think it is going or what the motivation was behind it for occurring in the first place. I used to think the phrase “it is what it is” was a cop out. I used it in deference while dealing with difficult situations – not knowing that it only fed my insecurities and feelings of powerlessness. But I am seeing it now through the lens of optimism and positivity that “it” is neither good nor bad it just “is”. Deeeeeeeeeeeeep Thoughts. I want to be the person who can handle taking things one step further and the crazy thing is I am actually becoming her.