When tasked with something seemingly insurmountable, it’s expected that you start out a little weak. Maybe you take a few shaky steps and turn right around, or veer off the path, but everyone is ready for that. The reward is supposed to come after so many course corrections, stumbling blocks and flat on your face failures. But most people prefer our own story streamlined into a highlight reel – we want to share the trials encountered without the hassle of retelling our messy back story; it’s more palatable to share our suffering if we can assure you that we overcome it in the end. When I discount what it actually took to get to where I am today it seems really easy. So easy in fact that it almost looks like luck; that a series of happy accidents led me here and maybe landed you where you are too. When you strip the struggle from the story though, all you are left with is a generic set of directions. I am taking a leap of faith. The faith part does not know that I will be okay, or that I am headed in the right direction, but that I am participating in forging my own path. By taking a chance and writing my story as it unfolds I will be more accountable and present in shaping its outcome.
If this seems a little Matrix-y, I don’t mean to be. There is always a certain melancholy that comes over me on the last day of any month. Knowing that something is definitively over has never settled easily with me. I wrestle, like so many others, with wondering if I did it justice. Did I finish strong? When June began I had big goals and dreams – about how fit I wanted to be, how organized, how calm and cheerful (I could keep going, by now you know I love a list). I have completed exactly zero of these things. Instead of working to achieve anything I set out to do, (using the proven formula of keeping a clear picture of the outcome I want to accomplish and committing to working at it every single day), I went for the “fails miserably every time” route of belittling myself for being so off course in the first place and silently blaming others for my stagnation due to their lack of support (while refusing support, of course, cause I can totally handle it on my own, thank you very much). This is an honest assessment, which makes me sound like a miserable wench, but the truth is, I can be.
However, today I am taking a stand. If I don’t want to turn into an archetype then I need to make different choices and evaluate them, redirecting myself when necessary. Which is why I am at home alone right now, using the time gifted to me to write and work on this project, instead of putting away laundry, or doing any of the other things that will get done anyway. I am learning that it is okay to launch slowly, silently, even, if it gets you going in the first place and that I don’t need to start framing shots for the highlight reel. I need to show up right now, stay open to what comes my way and work continuously at it, writing as I go. Saying goodbye to June seems like a squandered opportunity but tomorrow marks a brand new month and I intend to make the most of it.